Dear Kitty:

I often get uncomfortable speaking out in a group setting, for example, regarding another member’s behavior in a sacred sexual place. It took a lot of courage recently for me to do so, speaking my truth, when everyone else seemed totally fine with the status quo. I feel I have a lot of trauma and healing in my past that needs to get shorn up, so I know this healing journey is a long one for me. Thus, though a part of me was proud that I spoke up, another part of me had the story that, “My voice doesn’t count, I’m alone in this, I’ve disappointed others by speaking up, and I should just stay silent.” When I look at the facts of what actually happened – that my request was noted and action was taken – my logical mind gets it. But my monkey brain keeps going back to the same “Stay silent, it’s easier, and is what people want” story. What can I do to shut this down?
“Finding My Voice”

Dear Finding My Voice:

Wow, I really want to stop a moment and 100% HONOR the bravery and courage that it took for you to speak up. I know that many good folks reading this can relate to that often paralyzing fear of being the only person raising concerns. There is the fear of rocking the boat, of ridicule, of being excluded for offering a different and sometimes seen as negative opinion. I can appreciate those rational fears. 

That’s exactly why it’s so beautiful and powerful that you DID speak up! By taking that courageous step, you are building strength, grit, and resilience today, planting seeds for whatever is to come tomorrow in your life. By vulnerably sharing your truth, your opinion, your thoughts, you are giving others permission to do the same. From what you described, it sounds to me like you may also be having what Brené Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover”, coupled with rubber-banding back to old habits and disempowering beliefs – in this case, a “My voice doesn’t count, just be a good girl and stay silent” story. Yet you even NOTICING this repeating disempowering story and having the desire to change it is a powerful and super important first step. Way to go! That is a huge celebration!

Please hold in your heart that you are greater and stronger than often you think you are. What I want to underscore for you is the power of Self-Responsibility (or Extreme Ownership) as well as Empathy (for yourselves and others). You are empowered in every moment to notice when your lower self has control of the steering wheel (seducing you to go back to old familiar habits that no longer serve you today, such as entertaining disempowering beliefs). And you are equally empowered to call forth your Superhero – honoring your own courage, your own truth, and your ability to practice and hold dear, empowering beliefs that DO serve you. What happened in the past is often irrelevant — it is the seeds you are planting today leading into tomorrow, that will rock your world in a positive way. This brave act you describe is developing your emotional intelligence muscles as well as can be an entry into what I call a Courage Journal. I invite you to write down all of the instances where you showed courage, bravery, and acted despite fear. In our society, we so often do not focus enough on what we are doing well (versus focus on everything that we deem to be wrong, or what “should” be happening). What if this situation is exactly what you needed to practice shining your bright light out into the world? To have your vote counted? 

One thing I know for sure: Your voice matters. Your vote counts. Your feelings are valid. 

Secondly, it is so incredibly important to understand, honor, and lovingly defend your personal boundaries (what is ok with you, and what is not ok, stating that compassionately to others). Remember that again from that self-responsibility lens, it is no one else’s job to look after your emotional and mental well-being. We can offer support, nurturing care, and encouragement to each other on each of our respective journeys. Yet at the end of the day, we can inadvertently put ourselves on the Drama (Victim) Triangle (leaning back and contracting into victim energy) when we make ourselves responsible for another person’s feelings or well-being. You mentioned that you had concerns about disappointing others by sharing your truth and your opinion. Feeling disappointed is often created by having expectations about how others “should” behave. Having unreasonable expectations can breed resentment in relationships. Being KIND by saying what needs to be said, (versus being “nice” saying/doing what we think others want and “people-pleasing”) often helps to empower our loved ones to stand on their own two feet as well as be held accountable. It is also how we move towards healthy relationships and behavior (away from toxic behavior). 

Each of our healing journeys will go at their own pace, and that’s totally ok. The most important aspect is that you are progressing, which all of you are!

I am so, so proud of you, your courage to be in this brave ENM community working towards personal growth, and sharing so beautifully. If you want to dive deeper into learning more about the Drama (Victim) Triangle and its antidote the Observer Triangle. I invite you to check out an excellent book on the topic, “Beyond Victim Consciousness” by Lynne Forest.

Some introspection questions: 

So what about you? When have you been tempted to make yourself small so that others could be more comfortable? When did you speak up and have a positive outcome? How do you know that your voice matters? That your opinion counts?

I applaud you for living life on your terms, doing the inner work, being courageous each day, even when it is not easy. You got this! Keep going!

With love and gratitude,

Coach Kitty

*Question provided through the Loving Without Boundaries private Facebook community. Want to join our community for support? Go to


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